Letting the light shine through (even when parts of us want to hide)

On Saturday we unveiled the first panel of Windows Through the Seasons in Chorlton Community Garden. It’s a creative project I’ve been working on over the last year, to create four seasonal pieces of outdoor art, commissioned by Friends of Chorlton Community Garden and supported by Stories of Our Lives and many wonderful others.

If you’d like to read more about the Windows Through the Seasons project and how it all began, you can find that here: https://storiesofourlivesnow.org/2026/01/19/windows-through-the-seasons-notes-from-a-day-shaped-together/

Attendees at the panel reveal. What a lovely sunny day!

There will be a panel reveal as each season turns, and our first Spring event on Saturday 21st March was sunny, well attended, and there was a really nice atmosphere. People came, people chatted, children were there, and family and friends turned up for me. After months of careful preparation and many layers of collaboration, the frame with the first panel is now in the ground where it belongs. Phew!

I am so grateful to all who contributed to the project, including people who attended and inspired the art with their ideas, words and images, Stories of Our Lives for helping lead the community input session, Alaistair McClean for making the frame, Rebecca Lattin who photographed my art work so beautifully so I could get it printed, Tina Kirwin-McGinley who helped get the commission off the ground and funded, Carolyn Kagan, Danielle Lowy and all from Friends of Chorlton Community Garden as well as the wider community of Chorlton and Chorlton Civic Society specifically for being such a creative network of people. There are others, I'm sure, forgive me if I have not mentioned you!

Spring Windows through the Seasons Panel, photographed by Peter Topping

From the outside on Saturday, I think it probably looked like I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I was smiling, engaging, speaking clearly, using my big voice so people could hear.

Part of me was enjoying it, because there’s a part of me that is very values-driven, that believes in this creativity and community driven work, that wanted to stand up and represent what I and others had created. That part of me felt clear and happy to be there.

Describing the project before the reveal, photo by Peter Topping

But there was another part of me there too, a younger, much MUCH less confident part.

She felt really vulnerable being in the spotlight. It didn’t just feel a bit uncomfortable, it felt like a kind of threat.

Now the feelings of overwhelm that were triggered in this part have cleared, it has started to make more sense. There have been lots of moments in my life where being looked at like that hasn’t felt safe. Something quite instinctive kicks in. Like… what do all these people want? Why are they looking at me? Are they going to come and attack me?

Which sounds dramatic, but in the body it feels very real.

The strange feeling of being watched

And I recognise that feeling. I’ve had it before. Times where part of me wanted to be there, taking up space, and another part of me felt small, exposed, less than/ stupid, vulnerable to attack, like I shouldn’t be there at all and just wanted to disappear.

So, two very different sides of me were there on Saturday simultaniously. The part that stepped forward with choice and power and the part that wanted to run. Quite a lot happening in the same moment!

What felt different this time was that I didn’t ignore or push the scared part down with criticism like I have in the past: “you are too sensitive!”, “just enjoy it!”, “this is good, you chose this, stop being stupid!”

Instead, with the support of journalling and supervision from my lovely mindfulness teacher trainer and supervisor Lilasuri , I am tuning into how the younger part's reaction feels in my body, listening to what she is scared of and offering some comfort.

Looking back at this experience in this way, I imagine holding her hand, or bringing her in close, so we are standing side by side facing whatever is happening. Not trying to get rid of her, but saying… it’s ok, I’ve got you.

Imagining me and younger me, finding our way together.

I have this image of wrapping us both in a purple cloak. A kind of cloak of protection, but not in a heavy way. More like something woven from support and care and love and a bit of fun. Something that says look, it’s safe here. Look, people are smiling. We’re together. This is actually a joyful moment. If you are scared, don’t worry, stay close, I will look after you. Let's take a deep breath and let it all in.

It’s not pure imagination that I pictured the purple cloak. The lovely Danielle Lowy lent me this fabric to cover the panel before the reveal, and on Saturday, as I took the purple cloth off the artwork, I got the sudden urge to put it around my shoulders and blurt out “I’ve always wanted a cape!” People laughed and suddenly the tension between the two sides of me melted away. Like the fun and play of the moment formed a bridge where they could meet each other in the middle. And it didn’t involve me forcing confidence or hiding behind laughter, but bringing a bit of groundedness, freedom and warmth the soften something that felt quite intense.

I've always wanted a cape

So even though Saturday was a lot, it has shown me what I need. That instead of needing to squash down that younger, more sensitive part of me in order to do a professional or confident job, (and then needing many hours of decompression time afterwards, where I am totally strung out from the energy that all takes!) my real job is to take care of her in the moment. And I can do that by bringing my own sense of safety with me.

I can wrap myself in that “purple cloak” when I need it. And remind myself, I’m safe to be seen, I’m safe to be here.

I can also remember that both of these things can be true:

I can feel vulnerable and still show up.I can doubt myself and still do something well.

And maybe that’s part of what Joy Ethic is for me. Not everything feeling good all the time.

But living a creative, meaningful, connected life, and learning how to stay with myself while I do it.

If this has sparked something for you, I’d really love to hear.

I’m gathering reflections for an upcoming Joy Ethic Show, and I’m especially interested in those moments where different parts of us show up at the same time.

Times when:

• you’ve done something well or confidently on the outside, while feeling something very different on the inside

• you’ve stepped forward, even though part of you wanted to hide

• you’ve found a way to stay with yourself in something that felt exposing or uncomfortable

• or anything else this piece of writing has brought up for you!

  
  

If you have a story like that, you can WhatsApp me a voice note if you have my number, or email an audio recording to jolene.joyethic@gmail.com.

If you’d like to take part, please send your voice note by Friday 3rd April

With your permission, I’ll weave extracts of your audio into a piece for the show, so we can begin to share and understand these experiences together.